The Twelve Days of Questionable Xmas Movies

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. It is in fact, the hap, HAPPIEST season of all. There will most certainly be marshmallows for toasting, without question too much mistletoeing (dammit Uncle Bobby I am not a piece of meat), and don’t forget the caroling out in the snow.  It’s a time when families gather to share each others company and roll their eyes at the unbelievably racist shit that one person says at the dinner table. (No Aunt Jean, Hitler wasn’t a “little” right) And if you are anything like my family, you should be so lucky, it’s also a time to gather around the television and watch some classic Xmas flicks. Miracle on 34th Street? Absolutely. The Grinch? Of course. A Christmas Story? Damn straight. Die Hard? You bet your ass. See, holiday cheer isn’t just found on the Hallmark Channel or ABC Family. If you look, it’s in the least likely of places as well. In that spirit, we (Dan and Tiff) bring you Geekade’s Twelve Days of Questionable Xmas movies. Over the next twelve days we will take turns suggesting a movie guaranteed to fill you with that old holiday spirit. So grab some eggnog, which is super gross by the way, slip into your favorite footie pajamas, and get ready to feast on festive flicks. Check out a few honorable mentions down below and then move on to the first film in our countdown.

Honorable Mention: Jingle All the Way 1996

This cinematic masterpiece is a little too christmasy for this list. Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and mother fuckin’ Sinbad, Jingle All the Way tells the story of a somewhat absentee father, Arnold, who makes a ton of money but is never there for his son and a down on his luck postman with a heart of gold, Sinbad, fighting for that season’s hottest toy, Turbo Man. The only problem, it’s Christmas Eve and Turbo Man toys are nowhere to be found. Cue the frantic mad-dashing all over the city to grab the last toy and make it to the Wintertainment Parade featuring, you guessed it, Turbo Man. This movie is terrible in the very best way and has some truly fabulous Arnold one-liners. (Who told you you could eat MY cookies?) Add in an oily as hell performance from the late but very great Phil Hartman, and the perfect depiction of the crushing sense of parental mania during the holidays and you’ve got one damn fine film.  It is truly a must watch every season. 

 

Honorable Mention: Nightmare Before Christmas 1993

And so the debate rages, Christmas or Halloween. Nightmare Before Christmas is, without a doubt, one of the most wonderfully realized films of all time. There is so much personality in those little marionettes. When this film hit in 1993, no one quite knew what to make of it. Stop-motion animation, a personal favorite, had not been done well in quite some time. (Some would argue not since Harryhausen) NBX though, took everything that Harryhausen had done on films like Clash of the Titans or Jason and the Argonauts and made it sing. (literally and figuratively) The charm of this film is undeniable. The love that went into its creation is on display in every single frame. It is a masterpiece full stop. But it is also a bit too Christmas for this list. And a bit too Halloween I suppose. It is absolutely worth a watch during the holiday season but is not relegated to it alone. This is a film you can pop in anytime and enjoy. (Our kids are proof of that, it’s on constant rotation) Because of that, NBX just misses the list. 

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