Here’s something I learned: Pokemon has something in common with Castlevania and Ninja Gaiden. Annoying bats.
Having little else to do, I decided to head to Mt. Moon to see what this “Team Rocket” everyone keeps talking about is up to. Conveniently enough, I came across a cave that was clearly labeled as the way to get to Mt. Moon. Good for me. I walk in, and I see another sign.
“Zubat is a bloodsucker.”
Well, I’m sure he is.
Thoroughly confused by this sign, I turned my attention to the nice girl standing next to it to hopefully gain some clarity. She tells me she’s waiting for some friends, and without any warning or explanation, we’re dueling Pokemon. Look lady, I’m just minding my own business, walking through a cave. I didn’t ask to fight your Clefairy or whatever the heck it’s called, but since you insist, and you have your heart set on annoying the crap out of me, I’m going to kick the snot out of your Pokemon. I won, but not after having several of my critters put to sleep. Whatever.
Now that that’s out of my way, and I still have no idea who or what the fuck a Zubat is, I start exploring the cave. I turn the corner and another NPC greets me by telling me there are suspicious men in the cave. Okay, I’ll keep an eye out for them and OH MY GOD. WE’RE FIGHTING. AND IT’S ANOTHER GOD DAMN BUG CATCHER??? No. I will not suffer another one of these brats. I promptly pummel the ever loving shit out of his Pokemon. I wish I could smack that dumb smirk off of his face too, but apparently you can only beat up unwilling animals, and not the assholes who pit them against one another in this world.
As I continued on my expedition, I finally got hit with a random encounter. It’s a bat. A Zubat. I get it. He’s a bloodsucker. Cute. He does his little blood sucking move, steals some HP, I hit back, he dies, the end. I take a few more steps, and another Zubat attacks me. Obviously he didn’t see what just happened to his friend. Fine. Let’s do this. I clearly have nothing better to do. This time, I’m catching one, because why not, right? The fight pretty much goes like the last one, except this time he casts confuse on me. It does’t seem to do anytihing, I beat it to submission, throw a pokeball at it, and I have a new pet Zubat. I take another few steps, and ANOTHER Zubat hits me. I am officially annoyed.
This time he hits me with confuse straight away, and my Pokemon hits itself. That’s some serious confusion if you’re so out of it you tackle yourself, but I roll with it. I land another attack, but then the dumb thing tackles itself again. So, I switch Pokemon, and Zubat confuses that one as well. This time, it tackles itself to death. I’m dumbfounded. This keeps happening. I figure I can brute force it, because the law of averages will eventually pan out in my favor, right? All of my Pokemon can’t be so god damn stupid that they beat themselves into submission, right? Even Squirtle? Seriously?
I get a game over. Apparently these Pokemon and the idiots running around in this world deserve each other. I mean, if these creatures are so stupid that they are even capable of being confused enough to literally beat themselves into unconsciousness, they have earned their lives of servitude. I drag their sorry asses to the Pokemon Center, heal them up, make a few roster changes, and head back into the cave. I brought a Magikarp with me because it tickles me. What an absurd creature.
By this point, I learned that if I get confused, all I have to do is switch Pokemon and they’ll get over it. So, armed with this knowledge, I go on a Zubat murdering rampage. Magikarp is proving to be useless, but I’m going to keep leveling him up. I have a feeling I’ll be happy I did. Speaking of leveling up, during my killing spree, my Squirtle evolved into a Wartortle. Not that I’m not happy the little guy is powering up, but now he looks like a tool. I mean, the wings on the ears? The stupid way he spells his name? My favorite and most powerful Pokemon is now a douchebag. Thanks, game.
Finally, I ran into someone from Team Rocket. He’s just standing there looking like a bad guy, and surprising no one, as soon as I talk to him, we start a Pokemon duel. Once there, I get a closer look at his outfit, and it’s absolutely hysterical. He looks like some sort of z-list door man themed Spider-Man villain or something. And what’s with the whip? What could he possibly be using it for besides trying to look menacing? These guys are idiots, and by this game’s standards, that’s saying something. I beat up his Pokemon, and he feels ashamed. He mutters something about hoping his teammates don’t find out, but honestly, at this point I can’t convince myself to care about his motives. This Team Rocket needs to be stopped from doing whatever they’re doing based solely on their absurd fashion sense.
I was tired, so i went to bed. Team Rocket is in my sights now. God help them if there are any bug catchers in their crew.