Geekade Top Ten: Colors

Everyone loves colors. This is a well-documented scientific fact, so I won’t bother debating that here. Though the question remains: What is the greatest color of them all? This question has plagued mankind since the dawn of civilization and it’s about time we answer it once and for all. Gone will be the endless bloodshed over the virtues of primary versus secondary colors, for we here at Geekade have definitively ranked the top ten colors.
This list is based on a standard 10-pack of Crayola markers (except for pink, because of reasons); none of that fancy periwinkle crap here! No, we’re talking about the basics.  And before you hit us with “logical statements” like, “black isn’t a color, it’s the absence of color,” allow me to retort with, “shut up,” and, “it’s my list, I’ll write what I want!” So read on, friends, and behold the top ten colors!

10. Brown – You knew this was going to be at the bottom of the list. But still, I can hear you saying, “Really? Brown made the list and pink didn’t?” That’s right. And here’s why: Pink is a perfectly fine color, but brown is a true essential. If it weren’t for brown, there would be no potty humor. We would live in a world where yellow would have to shoulder all of that responsibility and I don’t think it’s up to the task. Plus, brown is an essential part of human life. It’s how you know things are going well. I mean, if you’re seeing blue when you should be seeing brown, you know you’ve got some serious troubles. Basically, as nice as pink is, it can usually be swapped out for another pretty color with no ill effects. Molly Ringwald would have been just as pretty in teal, but if Yogi Bear was black instead of brown, that would have just looked racist. And you’re not a racist, are you?

9. Gray – Gray is great. See what I did there? That alliteration alone earns it a spot on this list. Gray is like silver, but less pretentious. It’s the de facto color of the most comfortable sweatpants, sweatshirts, and t-shirts in the world. It’s the color of classy kitchen appliances, adorable cats, storm clouds, and the Nintendo Entertainment System. It’s even got two different spellings! (“Grey” is also perfectly acceptable.) Sure, it’s a bit bland, but if not for gray, other colors wouldn’t seem quite so bright. It’s the very essence of “middle ground” and while that doesn’t make it all that exciting, it should count for something. In fact, it probably would have been higher on the list if it weren’t for its unfortunate association with Fifty Shades of Grey.

8. White – Ah white; another color that’s not technically a color. But this isn’t a list of top ten technicalities! This is a list of top ten colors. And as far as I’m concerned, white is a color. I’m well aware that there isn’t a white marker in the standard Crayola box, but I’m convinced that if they could actually make a regular white marker, they would, and the standard 10 would quickly become a standard 11-pack. However, since science hasn’t figured out how to make an effective standard white marker, combined with its association with Miracle Whip (quite possibly the most disgusting substance on the planet), white finds itself in the 8th spot. Sure, paper is great and white fluffy clouds are what dreams are made of, but Miracle Whip is like knock-off, knock-off mayonnaise. There’s just no coming back from that, white.

7. Yellow – The color of fear. A respectable color, to be sure. With things like mustard, sunflowers, and the entire Sinestro Corps (ask your comic book friends) to its credit, yellow has a lot going for it. I mean, without it, the packaging for Old El Paso products just wouldn’t be the same. That being said, yellow has a hard time standing on its own. I know, it’s a primary color and, as such, deserves a certain level of respect, but that’s really the only thing keeping it where it is. Have you ever tried drawing with a highlighter? It hardly shows up! It’s a step above white, but only just barely.

6. Black – Black, now there’s a color! Again, none of that “absence of color” malarkey! It’s a color, damn it, and a fantastic one at that. Seriously, think of all the wonderful things that black does. Would the stars look as cool against a purple sky? I think not! Would black holes be as terrifying if they were gray holes? Absolutely not! Would Jack Skellington’s tuxedo be as swanky if it were yellow? You see where this is going. Black is not only awesome, it’s essential. Go ahead and mess with the black levels on your computer monitor. See where that gets you? NOWHERE! Black is not to be trifled with. But black has one major weakness: black licorice. Black licorice sucks. It’s awful. Nobody touches those jelly beans! Hence, black doesn’t make the top 5. Deal with it.

5. Orange – Now we’re getting somewhere. Orange is such a permeating color that it even has a fruit named after it. You don’t eat a bowl full of “purples” and even blueberries need the “berry” qualifier. Oranges are just oranges. It’s a freaking noun. You want to explain what orange is? You grab a goddamn orange. Plus, basketballs, the best part of a sunset (suck it, yellow), Marty McFly’s stylish vest, and even carrots to consider. It may not be the most versatile color on the list, but Netflix is right: Orange is the new black.

4. Purple – Purple, I feel, is often underestimated. It can be viewed as inherently silly and can often be considered garish. HOWEVER, that’s only because purple is such a powerful color. Purple, when handled properly, is actually one of the best colors there is. Take, for instance, the Joker. In the old Adam West Batman show, he wore a purple suit that was bright, goofy, and fit the tone perfectly. Then look at The Dark Knight. Joker wore a purple suit that was dark, creepy, and fit the tone perfectly. You think you’re going to get that kind of range out of brown? Think again! Purple is the color of royalty, delicious grapes, and a movie starring Prince. That being said, it is very easy to misuse purple, as it’s sometimes too powerful for its own good, but its potential for awesomeness cannot and should not be denied.

3. Green – Green was a strong contender for the number one spot, but the two colors that beat it just played a better game. Green is absolutely spectacular. It’s the color of life. It means go. It’s the color of Gumby, mint flavored toothpaste, lizards, guacamole, the original Game Boy’s screen, and Kermit the mother***ing Frog. Green warns you when your bread has gone bad. Its versatility is all over the map and its fluorescent counterpart is the coolest one around. Green marks mean you got something right. Green is the color of fresh, healthy, crispy vegetables. Green is 50% of the colors of Christmas. It’s the Mountain Dew bottle in your hand and the grass beneath your feet. Green is awesome. And if that wasn’t enough, it’s the color of Geekade’s logo. What more do you need?

2. Red – I know there’s an argument to be made for brown as #2, but let’s move past it. Red is a force to be reckoned with. It earned this spot simply by being bolder than anyone else in the room. There’s a reason why most neon signs in shopping centers are red: it’s the easiest color to see. Red means danger and without its warnings society as we know it would crumble. It’s also the color of your blood. (Or at least it should be.) That’s your life. You literally can’t live without red. But it’s not all in your face about it either. It might be the most important color there is, but it’s not above lending itself to children’s characters like Clifford the Big Red Dog or Elmo. It’s worn by Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, Deadpool, and the devil himself. And it looks good on everyone. Red is so awesome it’s even coopted things from orange. Fire? Red hair? Actually orange. But red gets the credit, because red is awesome. I love red. You love red. Everyone loves red. It’s just about the best color there is. But it’s just not quite as cool as…

1. Blue – Blue is the best. Blue is cool, exciting, spooky, enlightening, refreshing, invigorating, and calming all at once. It can be anything you want it to be. It can be right in your face or it can fade into the background with the greatest of ease. Moreover, it’s the color associated with water and that’s the only thing more important than blood. Heck, blood is 92% water! Blue is all things to all people. In fact, you’re probably wearing blue right now. When the black ink in your printer runs out, blue is there. When storm clouds clear, blue is there. Blue is your best friend, and it never asks for anything in return. Yeah, blue has some less than savory associations, like that god-awful pile of garbage Avatar movie, that intolerable Eiffel 65 song, and some pretty terrible Sonic the Hedgehog video games, but the good it’s done in its career more than makes up for the bad. Cookie Monster, the Blue Man Group, blue raspberry ICEEs, interstate highway signs, smurfs, The TARDIS, the list goes on and on. There’s even an entire genre of music named after it. For now and all time, blue is the undisputed champion of colors.

What do you think? Are we wrong? (Hint: We’re not.) Post your feelings and concerns in the comments below. We sincerely hope this clears things up.