Fantasy FootBRAWL (With your own loyalty, dignity, and love for money)

HI FREAKIN EVERYONE! Welcome to…yeah…no name yet. You know, maybe I should just do an article on what I should name this monthly article. I probably won’t. Anyway, today I want to talk about an activity that has been sweeping the nation for the past million years…give or take. It’s something that can make the biggest football fans the worst people on Earth, which some already are. I’m talking about Fantasy Freakin Football, ruining fans and friendships since who knows when. 

For those of you who don’t know what fantasy football is, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY you have NOT heard of fantasy football cause that would be ridiculous, but I’m going to explain it to you anyway. Basically, in a FF league, you have usually around 8 or 10 teams “owned” by football fans. MOST leagues play for money, some for a trophy, some for who knows what kind of bet or odd prize, and few at this point for FUN?! I, myself can’t do FF for “fun” anymore. I just start to not care. Your league picks a day and a time to have your “draft.” At this “draft” which I keep putting in quotes for some reason, you and the other “owners” get together or just meet at a website online to pick the NFL players you believe are going to do extremely well during the regular season. Typically, during any one fantasy week, a team uses 1 quarterback, 2 running backs, 2 receivers, 1 tight end, one “flex” player (either a running back, receiver, or tight end), a KICKER, and either an individual defensive player or 2 OR an entire team defense. Now that configuration varies from league to league so what I just said constitutes a general, typical league…geez. Once the season starts and teams are assembled, FF players go head to head with other players and get points based on how their FANTASY players do that week. For instance, in one of my leagues, if Carolina Panthers Quarterback Cam Newton throws for 350 yards and 4 touchdowns, he would give me 38 points. That’s one point for each 25 yards passing and 6 points for every touchdown. It’s usually a point for every 10 yards receiving or rushing, about 3 points for a made field goal…again, all leagues are different and give different amounts of points and blah blah blah blah. Obviously, or hopefully obviously, whoever gets more points in the weekly head to head matchup wins that week. A win-loss record is kept for your team throughout the season, and then the best teams go to the “playoffs” at the end of the season, and hooray…you probably lost via a dropped pass like I did last season!!!

Ok, now that you “know” what fantasy football is, let me tell you why it sucks. Let’s take a good fan. Let’s say that fan loves his or her Denver Broncos…just a random example! They’ve watched them and loved them and cheered them on for YEARS UPON YEARS! A real life Broncos fan! WEEEEEE! Now say that same fan joins a fantasy football league…and they’re in it to win it. Uh oh…now you obviously can’t pick all Denver Broncos players because that would be silly and foolish (at least this year, on paper). You might pick up Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers or Pittsburgh’s Antonio Brown or God forbid any player from the Raiders. But during the “draft,” you’re not thinking about the team you cheer for every Sunday…or sometimes Monday…or sometimes Thursday. You’re thinking about getting the most points with the best players. You set your lineup for the week and hope for the best. Suddenly, you’re watching your Broncos play the Panthers. LET’S GO BRONCOS!!! But wait…you have Cam Newton on your fantasy team!!! No bother, that’s fine, as long as the Broncos come away with the win, right? Broncos score…YES BRONCOS ARE THE BEST!!! Carolina scores a rushing td with Fozzy Whitaker…BOOOOOOO CMON BRONCOS DEFENSE?!?! WHAT ARE WE DOIN HERE?! PICK IT UP!!!!……..Broncos score again….YEEEEEAAAHHHH WE ARE THE GREATEST TEAM TO EVER STEP FOOT ON ANY TYPE OF EARTHLY GRASS!!!!!……………Cam Newton throws a touchdown pass………..oh……..well……………..that’s unfortunate. I certainly hope the Bronco’s defense up’s their effort…..wouldn’t want to see that happen much more………..Broncos score again…ZOMG YES LIKE WHOA! SUPER BOWL HERE WE COME! GOOD LORD I HAVE NEVER SEEN A TEAM AS GOOD AS MY DENVER BRONCOS THAT I LOVE MORE THAN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!………..Cam Newton breaks away and scores a touchdown on a 60 yard run…………….well then…………………………… ::leaves room to grab another beer even though still have a mostly full beer but this time with a devilish, evil, guilty grin on face::

HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?!?! It may or may not happen to me! I find myself telling people “now I want to see a Bronco’s shutout, but if the other team scores, it can only be….I then proceed to name players on my fantasy team. WHAT THE CRAP?! I would NEVER cheer against the Broncos, yet here I am not caring if “certain” players do well against them! Does this make me a bad person?! Probably. Does it make me wrong?! Hopefully not!!! Fantasy football is a business. It’s a way to “gamble” that is a ton of fun, and let’s those of us sports fanatics have a chance to put our “skills” to the test. By the way, I hope you all are enjoying my overabundant use of quotation marks. I know they’re adding nothing, but I’m enjoying throwing them everywhere. 

Anyway, I have friends who won’t play fantasy football for this reason. And that makes sense! The day I find myself cheering for a RAIDER is the day I quit fantasy football!…..wait, no. Just kidding. I take that back! I just won’t be happy with myself. Again, it’s a business. If you are a super fan that plays fantasy football and struggles with it, here’s how you can look at it. A silver lining! For those that do NOT play FF and their team loses, damn it. That’s just depression. That’s just an overall bad day and maybe some trouble sleeping at night. Now those of you in the same position that DO play FF, your team lost BUT a big reason was because one of your fantasy players on the opposing team had a monster game. Well…crap. Obviously it sucks that your team lost, BUT AT LEAST you know that the defeat went to a good cause. I promise you, if your team loses but your fantasy team that you dropped 180 bucks on at the beginning of the season just to join wins, you’ll be feeling half the pain. Best case scenario, your fantasy team member has a HUGE game against your team, maybe scoring 30 or 40 fantasy points or so, AND YOUR ACTUAL FAVORITE TEAM WINS?!?!?! SUPER MEGA JACKPOT SCORE!!! THAT’S what a true silver linings playbook is all about! 

So what do you think? Are fantasy footballers not real football fans? Are they true fans but just idiots??? Do they use “quotations” too often? Let me know n twitter @souporsizemore. That will do it for me! See you all soon, and make sure you set your lineup! GO BRONCOS!!!!! (And fantasy teams!)