Pokemon Propitiation: Day 684

I'm pretty sure I'm getting close to where I was before I restarted. I'm in the cave on the way to Mt. Moon. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand Zubats. Yeah, now I remember this crap. Zubats can kiss the fattest part of my ass.

It may not look like it, but there are at least 857 Zubats between that idiot in the hat and that ladder. 

It may not look like it, but there are at least 857 Zubats between that idiot in the hat and that ladder. 

Wandering around this cave, I immediately remember the torture that was this part of the game. Yes, there are asshats just waiting around here with seemingly no other purpose than to challenge you, and yes, they are in fact asshats, but it's the damn Zubats, THE DAMN ZUBATS, that make this cave suck. It's seriously every few steps. And it's not like they're a threat! My new team is all chilling around level 15-16, and can almost one-hit kill these little pricks every time. Yes, the experience points are nice, but it's just so time-consuming! And then there's the aforementioned asshats, and their occasionally stupidly strong Pokemon. There's nothing I like more than wandering around a dank cave with one conscious Pokemon, just trying to get back to town to heal my crew, and getting stopped by Zubats every 5 feet, hoping their pitiful blood sucking move doesn't take more then 5 HP because I've only got 7 left. Screw you, Zubats. Screw every last one of you. 

The first asshat I ran into that gave me trouble was this fat guy standing by a ladder. He didn't even stop me on his own, which I thought must have meant he was actually a friendly NPC who didn't want a fight. NOPE! He attacked, and since I was low on health for some reason or another, I lost. Nope, this will not stand. I healed my team, and made a b-line straight for him. 865,481,224 Zubats later, I made it back to the fat man, and his generous white ass was generously kicked by me. Feeling pretty good about that one. Time to move on. 

GAH! Kill it with fire!

GAH! Kill it with fire!

Now, like I said before, I have a pretty bad-ass team of Pokemon. Or, at least I think so. So when I finally made it to what I assumed was the right direction to leave this cave and another one of these Team Rocket jackasses decided to attack me, I went in feeling pretty confident. This dude busts out a Raticate, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD this thing is a horror beyond my wildest nightmares. I've seen these things in Pokemon Go, and yeah they look feral AF, but this thing looks like a damn demon spawn! Wanting to get this horror as far away from me as possible, I toss out my buff-ass Ratatta. He's a little outclassed here, but I figure I can at least do some damage, then call him back and finish him off with someone else, ensuring some tasty HP for leveling up my pal. But NOPE! This Raticate 1-hit kills me. Okay, I'm not having this bullshit. I bring out my biggest gun: My Wartortle and his stupid head wings. I select my rain drop attack thing (I forget what it's called) and before I can get my shot off, Raticate 1-hit kills him too. That's right, critical hit. My Wartortle was at full health, and Raticate just 1-hit killed him. What happened next almost made me throw my 3DS out the god damn window. Raticate 1-hit killed EVERY SINGLE POKEMON I HAD, with the exception of my Geodude, who managed to take 3 hits before falling. What the ever-burning hell, game? Is Raticate really that much of a bad ass?

So, I heal my critters, and head on a mission of revenge and blood. I'm gonna attack him smartly this time. Start with the Geodude, up the crap out of his defense, and take as much of Raticate's health as possible, and then hit as hard as I can as quickly as I can with everyone left until hopefully he goes down. I go back to the cave, kill another 841,907,462 Zubats, and charge right in to battle with this freak of nature. And this time? No challenge. Sure, he landed a critical hit or two, but no more 1 hit kills. Took his freaky ass out, no problem. I'm not sure if the game sensed my rage and backed the eff off out of self-preservation, or if my last match was just an unbelievable stroke of non-luck, but the great Raticate debacle was finally behind me. Of course, my bed time was behind me as well, by about an hour, but my concern for how early I had to get up the next day was outweighed by my desire to get the eff out of this cave. So I pressed on. I ran in to another Team Rocket idiot, but he didn't have anything of note, so I trounced him and moved on. It's also worth pointing out that I managed to catch a Clefairy and a Paras amongst the seemingly limitless bounty of Zubats that constantly cascaded down upon me, so that was pretty cool, I guess. Gonna have to train those guys up!

Does he? Because he looks like he just wants to find his keys. 

Does he? Because he looks like he just wants to find his keys. 

I finally made it to what was clearly the end of this cave 'o Zubats, and I came across one final dude who wanted to do battle with me. Actually, he muttered something about finding fossils first, and not letting me have any. Which is fine, I don't want your damn fossils, but wouldn't you know it, we were already locked in the heat of battle. This guy was called Super Nerd. He looked like he was looking for something on the ground. I swear, every time I think I have this game figured out, they throw something else entirely weird at me. Super Nerd. Seriously...

I beat the super nerd, and he said that I can take 1 fossil and he'd take the other. I picked the one on the right because it was physically closer to where I was, and the game told me I got the Helix fossil. Bully for me. I'm certain this will be important to someone, but right now all I care about is getting the shit out of this cave. I saw an exit, took it, breathed a sigh of relief, thanked the Poke-gods that there weren't any more Zubats, saved my game, and went the hell to sleep. Till next time...

The quest so far...