Last month’s Top Ten featured some tasty candy, so I wanted to follow that up with some eye candy. Buzzfeed recently posted a list ranking Marvel Movie Men by hotness and, to put it bluntly, their list is crap. For one thing, though it does technically claim only to rank “movie men,” this reasoning doesn’t make a damn lick of sense given that the MCU extends to the small screen. Excluding the casts of the ABC and Netflix series of the MCU leaves out some truly remarkable guys. For another, their list seems to be based purely on looks. Any nerd girl can tell you that looks are part of, but definitely not all of, what turns her on. So without further adieu, here’s my Top Ten rebuttal. (Note: This list only applies to the shared MCU from Marvel Studios. So no FOX or Sony properties were included. Sorry, Ryan Reynolds)
10. Edwin Jarvis – Jarvis is many things to many people: Howard Stark’s butler, namesake of Tony’s artificial intelligence, and right hand man of Peggy Carter. He’s smooth as butter, a total gentleman, and the accent alone could make you melt. He’s easy on the eyes, but what really gets me is his taste for adventure. In season 1 of Agent Carter, he gets roped further and further into Peggy’s schemes and before long you can tell it’s not just because he feels he should, or that she needs him, it’s because he loves to help and he feels alive when he does. He has an offscreen wife, to whom he’s been faithful (despite numerous opportunities to get entangled with Peggy in the heat of the moment) and that faithfulness makes him all the sexier. Should she ever meet an unfortunate end (this IS comics after all, it happens all the time), I’d be there for him in his time of need in a heartbeat. After an appropriate amount of time, that is.
9. Loki – I’m going to get crap for this and I know it. He’s sexy, powerful, and delightfully wicked. But girls, let me tell you what I know about bad boys: you are never going to fix him, he is never going to change for you. Being with him might be exciting at first, but he’s always going to be driven by his own madness. One day there’s going to be an orphanage or a sack of puppies standing between him and what he wants and he is going to smite it without a second thought and all the work you put in, the relationship you thought you were building, will disappear before your very eyes. He’s hot enough to make it into the top ten, but that evil streak keeps him from climbing very far, in my opinion. Take my advice, he is to be admired from afar, but avoided like the plague.
8. Sam Wilson (aka Falcon) – Sam is a real hero. He doesn’t have powers, he wasn’t chosen for anything. He’s just a regular dude who was a good friend to Steve Rogers when he needed one, a guy you can turn to when you can’t trust anyone else. He throws himself into danger with a prototype jetpack on his back and no fear in his heart. And did I mention he helps out traumatized vets in his spare time? Sure, he’s nice to look at and he’s in great shape, but it’s his loyalty, bravery, and do-goodery that get my heart pounding.
7. Clint Barton (aka Hawkeye) – I debated even having him on the list, but the longer I thought about it, the more I like him. He’s a non-powered hero on a team of demi-gods, but he never lets that get to him. While the rest of the Avengers are haunted by their demons, he manages to stay grounded and hold his secret family together as they hold him together when he’s in the field. What put him over the top was his motivational speech to Scarlet Witch in Avengers: Age of Ultron. He doesn’t force her into anything, but he provides her the strength to believe in herself by being his own good example. Buzzfeed insulted him with a paltry 15th place due to being “quiet,” but I’m arguing that as a strength. Not to mention, as an archer, he’s got some killer biceps. He’s another one to mark down on your “To Comfort in Case of Tragic Widowerhood” list.
6. Leopold Fitz – If you’re asking who this is, it’s likely because you only recognize him as half of the Agents of SHIELD super genius team known as Fitzsimmons. Fitz is not your traditional superhero in terms of looks. However he is the kind of awkward genius that drives a good percentage of nerd girls crazy. His giant sexy brain is only eclipsed by his even larger heart, which beats prominently and vulnerably on his sleeve at all times. He could have climbed even higher on this list if he’d had the courage to confess his feelings to his other half in season 1. His determination to get her back from another dimension and his conviction to help her return (even after he learned of her love for another guy with whom she was trapped there) pushed him as high as he is. Put simply, love turned him into a badass and any girl would be lucky to be his Simmons.
5. Matt Murdock (aka Daredevil) – My top 5 kicks off with our first heavy hitter, pun intended. He is the most unlikely hero, which is precisely why he belongs here. Not only is he not super-powered (heightened senses aside), he’s actually at a disadvantage to his enemies (and to most of the rest of the world, for that matter). He goes to extraordinary lengths to compensate for his disability and turn himself into a deadly weapon. You can’t keep a good man down, and that’s why he’s out there every night standing in defiance of some major baddies where most of the rest of the world cowers in fear. On top of that, he spends his days defending the most helpless defendants in court because he just can’t help himself. And if that’s not enough to make you fall for him, one look at that sweet, lean, boxer’s physique should do the trick. His charming smile is just the cherry on top.
4. Peter Quill (aka Star Lord) – This self-proclaimed “a-hole, but not 100% a dick” is next on my list. With his criminal background, he was never going to rank above any of the major heroes in the MCU, but he still draws a pretty high position. He was thrown into a path of an evil overlord’s plot to destroy a planet and his heart of gold had him rising to the challenge to save millions of lives. He had to be forced, but when he was, he chose to be a hero. He’s also a good friend to each member of his band of misfits and his friendship holds them together. He will always be able to make you smile and he’s got sweet dance moves. I debated flip-flopping him with Daredevil on this list for a bit, but Quill won the higher spot because he just seems like more fun. Plus? Abs. For. Days.
3. Thor – He’s nearly untouchable in the superhero world and he doesn’t even have to work for it, it’s almost not fair to the rest of the group. Chiseled jaw, massive biceps, torso carved out of marble, you get the idea. But he’s not just good looks, he’s also a good leader, or at least tries to be. The Thor movies have shown his learning process as he figures out how to do what’s best for Asgard. He crosses worlds to show his love for Jane. Misguided though he may be, he always holds hope in his heart that his brother can redeem himself. And when the Avengers need him, he shows up, no matter how tough the journey is. Whatever he loves, he loves it hard, we can only hope that premise holds up in the bedroom.
2 .Tony Stark (aka Ironman) – I know, I KNOW. There are a lot of ladies out there who will scream at me for not slotting this genius billionaire playboy philanthropist in the top spot, but hear me out. Of course he’s got it all. Buzzfeed’s list ranked him only at 7, which is outright criminal. He’s smart, loyal, brave, funny, rich as all hell. And as time has progressed, he’s come to treat Pepper as she deserves to be treated. But Tony is flawed, damaged, even somewhat broken, bless his heart. He’s hot, but he’s also a hell of a lot of work. If you’re up for that, more power to you, but since this a fantasy anyway, I’ll take my heart elsewhere. Which isn’t to say I’d kick him out of bed, by any means. He just doesn’t hold a candle, or should I say arc reactor, to my number one guy.
1 . Steve Rogers (aka Captain America) – The star-spangled man with a plan takes the cake when it comes to men of the MCU. Smart, handsome, strong, and so very good to his core. Back in his day, Steve kept fighting to be allowed to join the army until someone took a chance on him. All he wants to do is what’s right. He’s an absolute gentleman, you can tell by the way he treats Peggy. He sacrifices himself to save so many others. And when everything he knows is stripped away from him, he keeps on fighting for what’s right with the Avengers because it’s all he knows; it’s all he is. He’s not perfect and he’s not entirely without baggage either, but he doesn’t bring it home. He doesn’t let his problems throw him, and a guy who can take care of himself can certainly take care of me. The author of the Buzzfeed article and I agree on our final point: that is one sweet, sweet ass.
Honorable mention. Phil Coulson – He didn’t quite crack my top ten, but Buzzfeed had him at 19, calling him “another boring SHIELD agent” and saying that he looks like “every dad ever.” If the author had ever seen even a few minutes of Agents of SHIELD, he’d be able to tell you what we all know: Phil Coulson is a badass and he deserves better than the insult of being ranked 19th. He shows up to play (he’s appeared in the most properties of any character in the MCU), he’s clever and snarky, and has a hell of a hot car. He may not have a superhero’s body, but he has an awesome fake hand. And since he’s not in demand by Buzzfeed’s standards, you know he’d be free to buy you a drink and treat you like a lady.
So there you have it. For better or worse, that’s who I’d pick in the order I’d pick ‘em. Kidding aside, both the Buzzfeed piece and this one are meant in good fun, I hope we can all recognize them as such. I know not everyone will agree with me on every guy, but hopefully I’ve introduced you to one or two new dream guys or made you see one you already knew of in a way you hadn’t before.