WILW: Catharsis
The electoral college of the United States has just elected Donald J. Trump as President. For real. This happened. An orange Muppet with an incredibly short fuse is now leader of the free world. He is a racist, misogynist who has bragged about sexually assaulting women. He is also a WWE Hall of Famer. (so a point in his favor i suppose) Now, without getting too much more political, I am not happy. This, while completely predictable, is nonetheless disappointing to say the least. In an effort to find some levity in this shit-show I decided at the request of EIC Kris to take a look at the list of Hall of Famers to see who could potentially be our next President. Because if this shit happened, well there is simply no telling. Presented here, mostly ironically, is a list of five WWE Hall of Famers you could cast your ballot for in the next four to eight years.
Jesse “The Body” Ventura – Perhaps the most qualified member of the WWE HOF since you know, he actually fucking governed something before. Having served as Governor of Minnesota, Ventura has the political knowledge to get things done. A true independent, Ventura doesn’t give a shit about party, only policy. He has described himself as financially conservative and socially liberal. He actually stepped aside from politics because of the effect it had on his family. We may not agree on everything but at least he has some experience in the role. Plus, we’ve had a movie actor as President, the Ronald, and now we have a reality TV star as President, the Donald. Maybe it’s time to have someone in the White House who has been both.
Sgt. Slaughter – Retired Marine Corp. drill instructor, professional wrestler, former Iraqi sympathizer, and cartoon character, Sgt. Slaughter would be the most patriotic choice to Cobra Clutch the free world. There is a long standing tradition of military service leading to political service and Slaughter fits the bill to a T. He is an unabashed patriot who has a knack for finding talent. He is one of the guys responsible for finding the Undertaker, Yokozuna, Diesel, and Razor Ramon. (obviously good with foreign relations as well) He’s a man who strongly believes in the American dream and the right to voice your opinions. He’s fought for us in some many roles previous maybe it’s time to give him the official job.
Mick Foley – Cactus Jack. Mankind. Dude Love. Mrs. Foley’s baby boy. Santa Claus. President? Look, it troubles me deeply the lack of facial hair in D.C. Mick might be the perfect guy to bring a beard back to the office. First of all, you are looking at perhaps the toughest SOB on the planet. If a dead man could toss him from the top of a cell through a table and not kill him, what could Putin really do? Secondly, Mick has shown a knack for being able to change with the times and remain over with the people while retaining his core beliefs. As a successful heel and face, he knows how to work both sides of the aisle. Plus, he really loves Xmas. Perhaps it’s time for the White House to be a little more hardcore.
The Godfather – By electing Trump people said they wanted change. They wanted a business man to run the country. Unfortunately, they picked a guy who hasn’t exactly been great in his business dealings. But, if it’s a business man you want, why not a pimp? The Godfather may be the most successful pimp of all time. For years he made his way to the ring each and every night with a bevy of ladies all aboard his “Ho Train”. It was a global empire with affiliates in every city and country WWE traveled to. Quite frankly that level of business acumen and foreign relations expertise might be exactly what this country needs. Add to the fact that The Godfather manages a strip club in Vegas and you have a multi-threat challenger for the Presidency.
Lita – There are many reasons that Hillary lost the election. One of them being that pantsuits, while practical, are just not cool. Enter Lita. It’s time we had a woman lead the free world and Lita is the perfect choice. We have televised record of her being able to kick the shit out of men handily so we know she can “hang with the boys.” She was trained in Mexico so she’s able to repair the damage done with our southern neighbors. She’s into punk rock and the #DIY movement so we know she’s a hard worker. She’s good on the mic so she can handle herself talking with foreign dignitaries. But more importantly, she throws a killer moonsault. If that’s not enough then I don’t know what is.
So there you go. The above five candidates all represent people I would legitimately rather have as President than Donald J. Trump. They have just as much if not more experience than the man himself and seem to be better people overall. Did I miss anyone though? Do you think Shieky-Baby should throw his turban in the proverbial ring? What about Hogan? Are we ready for the 24inch pythons to run wild on D.C.? Or Flair? Is it the Nature Boy’s time? Follow me on twitter, @geekadedan, and let me know what you think. And on a more serious note, it’s not easy to write an article like this so soon after the election and not have it turn into a profanity laced tirade against the apathy of the citizenry. So, get involved. Pay attention to the world around you. Talk to your neighbors and find out what they think. Stop accusing others of living in a bubble. Get out of your bubble and wake the fuck up. We have so much more in common than you think. Until next time…
