WILW: Eva Marie

Alright, lets get this out of the way right at the go, Eva Marie is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad wrestler. She’s just the worst. She has been signed to WWE for a few years now and has shown little to no improvement in the ring. Everything she does is slow and choreographed. She cannot bump or sell worth a damn. She has no storytelling ability, her acting is the pits (have you seen Total Divas?) and she is incapable of having a good match with even the best female wrestlers in the world. So why does she make this column? Because WWE, in a rare move of self realization, seems to know just how bad she is. They seem to know that it is no longer okay for a female wrestler to only be hot. And that makes for some damn entertaining TV.

See, way back in the way back, WWE used to sign female “wrestlers” and parade them around on TV every week. Sure, there were legit competitors like Lita and Trish Stratus, but there was mostly Ashley Massaro or Kelly Kelly or The Kat. During the Attitude Era and even beyond, most of these women wrestled gimmick matches like in a pit of mud or strip your opponent to their bra and panties type matches. But, to their credit, the WWE Universe grew tired of the eye candy and wanted to see women that actually kicked ass. And to be fair, WWE has done a great job of late making their Women’s Title matter and their Women’s division a focal point. (thank jeebus they dropped diva, so, so stupid) But then, there was Eva Marie. Signed in 2013, Eva Marie has done her best to be more than just pretty. In this respect she has failed, miserably. She is so bad as to be laughable. There are backyard wrestlers with more natural ring work bouncing around on trampolines nationwide. She just sucks as a wrestler. But as a professional wrestler, more specifically a heel, she is awesome. Once WWE decided to stop pushing her as a face, which they tried and tried and tried and tried, it seemed to click. Here was a reminder of everything embarrassing about being a wrestling fan run back out for us and we, the unwashed masses, were supposed to cheer because boobs I suppose. But we didn’t. We booed and booed loudly. Eva Marie gets authentic heat, a rare talent in the modern wrestling world. People cannot stand her. So WWE ran with it. Her entrance has a personal, recorded ring announcer that is the most ostentatious thing ever. Her outfits are over the top. Her persona is over the top. Everything she does is heel work to a fucking T. She is perfect in this role and I hope it never stops.

To get a better idea of what I’m talking about, check out the videos below. Watch as she makes her way to the ring and gets “hurt”, rendering her match with Becky Lynch a no contest. Watch her move slowly from move to move and look at the crowd as if to say, “fuck you and deal.” Listen to the crowd hate the shit out of her in a truly spectacular way. It is seriously amazing. Make sure to follow me on twitter, @geekadedan, and let me know how you feel about All Red Everything. And check back next week as we cover one more reason I love wrestling. Until then…

Dan Ryan

Dan Ryan was once the most feared and respected luchador in the world until the "Great DDT Disaster of '85" where Dan unfortunately DDT'd his opponent so hard into the ground that he opened a gate to the underworld that let unholy things into this world. After that, Dan refused to wrestle anymore but he's found new life writing and talking about his favorite hobbies here at Geekade. He pens the weekly Why I Love Wrestling series, co-hosts The Stone Age Gamer Podcast, expertly pairs video games with beer, and much, much more. Dan is a personality that Geekade simply would not be the same without.

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