Geekade Top Ten: Worst Mega Man Robot Masters

Last year, Jonathan and Kris put together their lists of the top ten Mega Man Robot Masters. It was quite a diverse lineup, with very little in the way of crossover between the two. This year, they decided to take a different approach and list off the very worst robot masters. This was arguably a little tougher thanks to there being no shortage of stupid ideas floating around Dr. Wily’s brain. Nevertheless, the ground rules were set, and Jonathan and Kris put together their lists. The rules were as follows:

  1. They have to be robot masters from the mainline numbered Mega Man series. No X, Legends, Zero, etc.
  2. None of those weird offshoot titles, otherwise it would probably have just been a list of the robot masters from the Mega Man MS DOS games.
  3. They have to be from the “Something Man” category. We all know characters like Buster Rod G and Mercury are pretty silly. No need to mix them in with the rest of them.

So, with those rules in place, we present to you, the worst Mega Man robot masters.

Jonathan’s #10. Toad Man – To be perfectly honest, I’ve got nothing against Toad Man’s stage, music, or the weapon obtained from him – it’s his design and the actual fight against him that are ridiculous. How threatening is a robotic toad?! What function do those warts on his head serve other than to say, “Hey, I’m gross and unlovable”? Other than the warts, he’s just a fat, green robot master. Toads have pretty long tongues, so where is this guy’s mouth? Wily must have pulled a Deadpool-in-Wolverine on him. Just don’t lick his belly and you’ll be fine. Speaking of his belly, he moonlights as a friggin’ belly-dancer. Watch out when he starts shaking that tummy, because it’s going to rain. Yep, the designers of this game figured that in order to make Toad Man’s “Rain Flush” activate, homey should swing them hips. But all of that can be avoided, because if you stay close to him and rapid-fire on the guy, he’ll just jump back and forth and this battle will be done in no time, and thank God for that.

Kris’s #10. Bubble Man – I can honestly say I’ve never seen Toad Man dance. I think I’m better off because of it. My #10 goes to Bubble Man. Bubble Man gets a lot of flak and deservedly so. At the end of the day, he’s kind of useless. Sure, his weapon is the only thing that can take down Dr. Wily, but as Alton Brown says about kitchen equipment “What else does it do?” A fat lot of nothing, that’s what. So why is Bubble Man so low on my list? Are there really 9 worse robot masters than him? Actually, yes, and I’ll tell you why. His design, stage, and music are all top-freaking-notch. If you judge him based on his appearance alone, he’s a pretty cool-looking character. His rotund nature doesn’t exactly do him any favors, but his face, webbed feet, and giant, seemingly-pointless red jewel thingy on his chest are cool. He’s even got a cannon on his head! In the hands of someone other than Wily, Bubble Man could have been a contender. His stage is one of the all-time classics in the series, from the awesome looking waterfall to the gigantic shrimp-barfing fish, to those annoying little frogs. Because his battle is basically a joke, he just barely beat out Pirate Man for my #10 spot, but while he sucks, he’s not the worst.

Jonathan’s #9. Sword Man – Oh Bubble Man, if you aren’t the Aqua Man of Mega Man games (wait a second…). Anyway, are you ready to get really bored during a robot-master fight? Bring a book and a snack, because the battle against Sword Man requires almost no effort. For a guy named Sword Man, shouldn’t he use his sword a bit more during the battle?! There’s just so much wasted potential here. His spinning attack is really the only threat, as long as you stay far enough away from him, but Mega Man can slide right under it! Well isn’t that convenient?! Stay on the other side of the room, shoot your lemons, and you’ll be fine. Allegedly, the reason that his body is split into two parts is because he’s too top-heavy, therefore the top portion has an anti-gravity device in it so he doesn’t constantly fall over. If that sounds stupid, it’s because it really, really is. Plus, the weapon you obtain from him sucks. Stand in place and swing a fiery sword! IN A SHOOTING GAME! And guess what the final boss’s weakness is?! His music and stage are both cool, but this guy’s design and battle are too flawed to overlook.

Kris’s #9. Centuar Man – Yeah, you’ll be hearing my thoughts on Sword Man in a minute. Where do I begin with Centuar Man? I mean, what’s the freaking point of this guy? Apparently, he was a tour guide before Wily weaponized him. I’m sorry, what? Somebody made a tour guide that looks like this? What kind of museum was designed to have a tour guide this gigantic and obtuse? He’s the size of a horse! And what’s his tail made of? Did Wily go out and get actual horse hair to make his tail? Why is that even there? There isn’t one single practical part of this guy’s design. Yes, he looks cool, but the best robot masters look cool in addition to being, you know, functional in some way. His stage is filled with some of the most boring music in the franchise, completely non-threatening pelican robots who spit robot fish at you, and Centaur Man himself has some weird time-altering powerup that isn’t exactly dripping with sense-making. I suppose the part where the water is on the ceiling and you have to jump through it is cool, but Centaur Man doesn’t deserve any credit for that. He can’t even jump! What kind of horse-man can’t jump??? He’s dumb and I’m done talking about him.

Jonathan’s #8. Bubble Man – Not to mention, “Centaur Flash” just sounds dirty and illegal! On to my #8. You had some excellent points about Bubble Man that I agree with – his stage and his music are excellent, but his design just irks the hell out of me. On the stage-select screen, that cannon on his head looks like a weird, limp, green penis, and why would Wily build an underwater robot master who needs goggles?! His attacks and his movements during the fight are laugh-out-loud funny. This guy has to slowly float himself down to the ground after unleashing a few bubbles and some underwater lemons because he can’t even move smoothly through water. As the first water-based robot master, bubbles are the scariest thing they could come up with?! Even a robot master named Water Man could imply drowning, but for me, bubbles mean the possibility of a bubble bath, and that’s just a good time for everyone. Except for Bubble Man, because he’s awful.

Kris’s #8. Gemini Man – What is this guy? I mean, what even is this guy? Gemini Man? He’s got a really slow laser and can make shoddy clones of himself. Why is he covered in pointy crystals? Are they even crystals? What do they have to do with Zodiac signs? Am I missing something here? This guy’s existence has confounded me since he first arrived in Mega Man 3 and his stage is no different. Yes, it’s a pretty great stage in the grand scheme of things, but it’s constantly changing colors, it’s got gigantic penguin robots with cranks on their heads (which also happen to shoot smaller penguin robots at you), and let’s not gloss over the tadpole looking things that hatch out of those egg things all over the level. WHY ARE WE HATCHING TADPOLE ROBOTS OUT OF EGGS? Why is any of this here? Why would anyone go to the trouble of building an area like this and why on earth would a self-proclaimed narcissist like Gemini Man hang out there? I…I’m just at a loss. I don’t understand. He does have redeeming qualities, so he’s not higher on the list, but what the actual hell, Wily?

Jonathan’s #7. Blizzard Man – I suppose naming him the cigarette-smoking Cancer Man would just be too risqué for Capcom. Bunch of prudes. Ready for an extremely impractical robot master?! Blizzard Man is a giant snowball and his feet are skis! If the snow melts, he’s useless. Worst of all, his name is complete false advertising. Nowhere in his stage is there a blizzard and this robot master can only cause 4 snowflakes to materialize at a time, which then move slowly toward you. On what planet is something like 4 snowflakes actually a threat?! (maybe on planet “this robot master sucks”) Guess what weapon you obtain from him?! Those 4 snowflakes! His only other attack involves him curling up into a ball and rolling himself at you. So…jump. His stage is very unoriginal; the whole ice motif has been done before and since, to much greater effect. And what the hell are time bombs doing in Canada?! Seriously, what is that all aboot? His stage music is ok, but Blizzard Man is definitely one robot master that should melt like snow in June.

Kris’s #7. Sword Man – You wield some valid points, not the least of which involve how dumb Sword Man is. I honestly think this idiot is the only Robot Master that manages to make another robot master crappy simply by existing. Like you said, his design is absurd, especially given his name. Sword Man should be imposing! Sword Man should be about more than sword, singular. Sword Man shouldn’t have to be segmented because his sword is too heavy. Sword Man should be awesome. Sword Man isn’t. As I was saying earlier, it’s like Wily over-corrected when he made Blade Man (that dude’s got like 50 swords sticking out of him and he didn’t need to be segmented for balance!), presumably because he saw how crappy Sword Man was and realized his error. Sword Man sucks and so does his flame sword (except in Smash Bros.). NEXT!

Jonathan’s #6. Drill Man – The music has such an irritating pitch to it, I want to shove a drill into my ears to make it stop. Can someone explain to me why you need to hit a switch to make platforms magically appear? What does that have to do with drilling?! And ladybugs! Those goddamned ladybugs! I absolutely hate everything about Drill Man’s level. As someone who loves Crash Man, not liking this guy’s design says a lot. The drills where his hands should be look awkward and nothing about the drill on his head spells intimidating. He looks like a doofus with a dunce cap. This guy is the real Dive Man, because he constantly buries himself underground and that’s where he should stay forever. Honestly, his design had potential, but was executed very poorly. Ground Man is Drill Man done right.

Kris’s #6. Ring Man – That’s a very good point you wield there about Ground Man. Still, I didn’t mind Drill Man so much. We’ve seen more nonsensical things in stages before (Gemini Man’s stage). Ring Man, on the other hand, throws rings. In what universe is that even sort of harmful? Heck, there’s more potential danger from Bubble Lead than a Ring Boomerang, which itself makes absolutely no sense. Do the folks at Capcom not know how boomerangs work? Ring Man was specifically built for combat, too. Figure that one out. When designing a robot built for combat, covering him in gaudy jewelry isn’t exactly the first thing that comes to mind. I will admit that the whole outer space ring motif for his stage is kind of clever, but those disappearing rainbow/gold platforms can bite me and his stage music blows. His design somehow managing to look kinda cool is the only thing keeping him this low on the list.

Jonathan’s #5. Plant Man – You’ve got some good points about Ring Man, but I love his stage music. It’s catchy! Plant Man gets my #5 primarily because of wasted potential, more false advertising, and a laughably terrible fight. His stage is fine and so is the music, although I don’t know why Mega Man must bounce through the forest to get to this guy. While Plant Man’s official picture doesn’t scream intimidating, it looks like he could have some tricks up his sleeve with those spikey vines. Fine, he’s got a stupid flower on his head, but certainly he can do some cool shit, right? Actually, no, he can’t – and that’s why he’s on my list. When you reach him, he doesn’t even look like an accurate representation of his picture, except for that damn head-flower. This guy does nothing but cause some petals to float around him as he jumps around the room, then he shoots them at you. Repeat that until you’ve destroyed him and forgotten about this joke of a battle. Wily could have given this guy a number of other attacks – a vine-whip, poisonous plants that sprout out of the ground that hurt you, but no. Why does such a lazily-designed robot master battle exist?! Then you get that petal shield as the weapon, and the petals don’t even look like petals – they look like infected tonsils. The potential was there and Capcom could not have missed the mark any more than they did.

Kris’s #5. Toad Man – I would have to agree with you about Plant Man’s battle being a huge let-down. But I’m going to have to disagree with you on the severity of Toad Man’s awfulness. Talk about a wasted boss battle, as you stated earlier, this guy’s such a pushover that you’ll likely never see what he’s capable of because he’s such an inept fighter. Seriously? Just shoot him with your regular weapon until he’s dead and he’ll do absolutely nothing to stop you? Where’s the tongue attack? Why isn’t he jumping around the room sticking to walls? His design has a ton of untapped potential, too. He looks like a giant robot toad, which is dumb. But if he was actually lethal like some adorable poisonous toads are, it would be a cool, unexpected trick. Rain Flush is a potentially very dangerous attack too. Imagine if he could do all sorts of other dangerous stuff, and the whole battle against him you have to fear him winding up the Rain Flush and maybe have to hit him a certain number of times before he unleashes it or something. You see that? I just came up with that on the fly, and I basically fixed Toad Man. Squandered potential there.

Jonathan’s #4. Stone Man – Well at least we can agree that Toad Man should be Rain Flushed down the toilet. While my previous choices have at least hinted at redeeming qualities, Stone Man has none. Stone Man?! It’s as if the developers thought “Well shit, there’s already a Rock Man, so how about Boulder Man? No, that just sounds stupid. Stone Man, now that’s intimidating!” We did this stage already in both Mega Man 3 and Mega Man 4, why are we doing it again?! I understand that many stage designs get reused, but then there’s his music. It’s got this quick, repetitive, high-pitched sound that makes me wanna scream. Stone Man’s design is extremely plain and boring, and the fight with him isn’t any better. When Stone Man hits the ground and crumbles, everything shakes, but don’t worry, it doesn’t immobilize you the way that Hard Man’s stage did. So what’s the point?! The worst part about this guy is the weapon you obtain from defeating him – the Power Stone. It looks decent when Stone Man uses it, but forget it. This thing spins around at such an awkward angle, it’s impossible to aim and frequently misses whatever you’re trying to hit. At least you know what you’re getting with close-range weapons, but not this thing. Power Stone is always a surprise, the same way a flaming bag of dog shit on your front porch is a surprise. There’s no potential here – Stone Man should’ve never made the cut.

Kris’s #4. Jewel Man – Wow, really? I love Stone Man. I’m not saying you aren’t making some excellent points about his battle, weapon, and the fact that we’ve seen this stage before, but I love his stage music and those little bouncing baby Mets are adorable! But I digress. Jewel Man is dumb. His stage is dumb. It’s full of dumb enemies. The music is dumb. Those infuriating swinging platforms with spikes all around them are dumb. His design is dumb. His weapon is dumb. His battle is dumb. Everything about him is dumb, dumb, dumb. The only thing keeping him from being higher on the list is that nothing about him is overly offensive to me. It’s all just dumb and pretty pointless. Even his name‑Jewel Man. That really strikes terror, right? DUMB!

Jonathan’s #3. Spring Man – Yep, I’ve hated Stone Man since childhood. And fun fact: There’s an embarrassing video on Facebook of me failing at Jewel Man’s level. You make some excellent points about him, but again, I’ve gotta say that Jewel Man’s music is catchy! Alright, onto the 3 robot masters whose very existences make my blood boil. Everything about Spring Man pisses me off. First of all, I know that not all robot masters are super-intimidating, but this guy looks like a goddamned joke, yet he’s got the most serious face. Stop it, you’re not scaring anyone. That head-bob he does before the battle just screams “I’m single and have no friends.” His music, while certainly joyous, is irritating. His stage is annoying, what with all the bright colors and the jack-in-the-boxes that punch you. For a guy allegedly made out of a ton of springs, he certainly moves very slowlyand what’s with the “boing” sound he makes when he jumps?! We get it, homey, you’re Spring Man, no need to overcompensate for your shortcomings. He throws punches extremely slowly and you can kill him with the Noise Crush before the battle even begins. There are definite similarities between this guy and Clown Man, especially in level design and overall theme, but for some reason I love Clown Man and can’t stand anything about Spring Man. Just thinking about this guy makes me wanna break a slinky.

Kris’s #3. Star Man – Yeah, Spring Man is pretty silly, but if you want to talk about robot masters whose mere existences make me angry, one of the first that always comes to mind is Star Man. What a tremendous waste of potential. Think about all the crazy crap you could have done with star matter. Stars are scientifically awesome. So why in the cosmos did we end up with this jackass? There isn’t a single redeeming quality to his design. It’s impractical, hideous, and in no way intimidating. There’s simply no way to be agile with that gigantic metal star on his chest. I have no earthly idea why he’s painted dog-crap brown, and his other decorative stars on his helmet, forearms, and knees give Spring Man himself a run for his money in the silliness department. His stage is crap; the whole low-gravity thing basically makes it just like a water level. His music is crap; containing all manner of sour notes which I guess are supposed to sound “spacey,” but just come off as awful. His battle is crap; he basically just jumps up and tosses his shield at you, like he took lessons from Toad Man or something. And he’s even colored like crap, literally! And just because it bears repeating, we’re seriously going with the spinning shield powerup AGAIN with this guy? Of all the powers that could be derived from stars, this is the best we’ve got? Pitiful.

Jonathan’s #2. Aqua Man – I’ve actually always liked Star Man, but I don’t wanna get you angry. So this was a tough choice, but Aqua Man gets the #2 spot. The only plus that he gets is that his stage looks pretty, but that’s because of the Playstation’s capabilities and Capcom’s ingenuity, not this bastard. Aqua Man’s music makes me wanna take a nap and drown so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. Really, the music isn’t so terrible, it just does NOT belong in a Mega Man game. The mini boss is infuriating and I feel like some of that fight is just based on luck. The way Mega Man actually swims in this game just doesn’t make any sense. Maneuvering through certain areas of Aqua Man’s level is a huge pain in the ass because, for some reason, Mega Man bounces as he swims. So Aqua Man is a water-storage robot who looks like he’s wearing a top-hat. This is so bad, it’s as laughable as it is annoying. And OH. MY. GOD! THAT VOICE!!!! Flamboyancy doesn’t irritate me, this stupid robot master with his offensive, caricature-esque flamboyancy irritates me! You’re not handsome and you’re not cute; stop talking and stop existing. He shoots a stream of water at you that literally arcs out of the way so you can avoid it and then he throws water balloons at you! This son of a bitch stopped by a 5th grader’s pool party to stock up before this battle and then that’s the weapon you get from him! AND IT’S ONE OF WILY’S WEAKNESSES! WATER BALLOONS!!!! Did Capcom think this was funny?! He’s even named after a DC character who’s the butt of every superhero joke! I’ve hated Aqua Man with a passion since I first laid eyes on him and he came so very close to taking my #1 spot.

Kris’s #2. Search Man – Damn, I can’t wait to see who your #1 is! My #2 goes to Search Man. And you know, I’m probably being too hard on the guy, er, guys? I don’t particularly care for Mega Man 8 for a multitude of reasons. Yes, it’s still a very good game and I’ve played through it multiple times. But there has always been a laundry list of issues surrounding this game for me and the robot master designs are pretty high up on it. To my eyes, Search Man is the ultimate example of the overdesigned nature of Mega Man 8’s bosses. It’s like they almost had it with this one. His body follows the classic formula, but they got to the top and said “It’s not complicated enough. Give him 2 heads!” There’s no logical rationale for that. It’s supposed to be because Wily thought having 2 heads would make it twice as smart or some half-cocked theory like that, but it’s all a bunch of bologna. There’s certainly good ideas there, but between his stage hiding a battle with Wood Man in it (Of all the classic robot masters to revisit, we get Wood Man?), his voice being just bizarre, and the whole 2 heads thing, I just can’t get over it. I see this guy and I just want to vomit. Search Man, to me, is one of the lowest points the classic Mega Man series has ever hit. It doesn’t get much worse than him. Well, maybe it does…

Jonathan’s #1. Wood Man – Speaking of Wood Man! This was a tough decision, but in the end, Wood Man gets my #1 spot for a multitude of reasons. I’ve disliked this robot master since the age of 6 and my hatred for this guy has only grown over the years. But I’ll get this out of the way first – his music isn’t really bad. It’s got a quick beat and it’s energetic, but I can only take it in doses. The problem is that it’s a short song, so it repeats plenty of times during his stage. By the time I’ve reached Wood Man, I’m already irritated by the music, not to mention the ridiculousness of the enemies in this guy’s stage.

Can someone explain why there are giant dogs breathing fire underground?! This is a stage in a forest, but these dogs are breathing fire! Whose idea was this?! Do they want to burn the forest down with all the other enemy robots in it?! Out of every animal that they could’ve picked to put underground though, they picked giant, fire-breathing dogs. Could those hot dogs have possibly made sense anywhere else in the game, like maybe Heat Man’s stage?! And there are three very bland rooms later in the level each with a single robot bunny who will throw a carrot at you. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS?! If you somehow survive those oh-so-threatening bunnies, watch out for the chicken-run! Leading up to Wood Man himself is an area where a bunch of chickens are getting the fuck away from the bastard as fast as they can.

All of these gripes aside, we then have the shit-stain of the hour – Wood Man. This guy has one of the most boring designs out of any robot master ever. I don’t know who thought that a small tree stump as a helmet would be threatening, but the actual game sprite makes Wood Man’s head look like it has an erection. He’s brown and black and boring! Even the official art doesn’t make him look threatening! And to activate his leaf-shield, homeboy punches his own boobs. That’s right, boob-punching for this guy gets leaves swirling around him. He shoots those leaves at you and then hops ever so slightly forward, and repeats. His short hops coupled with hitting his own wooden man-tits are some of the most comical movements to ever curse a Mega Man game. Cut him down with the Metal Blade or burn him to the ground with the Atomic Fire and be done with him. Anytime that I’ve played Mega Man 2 over the past 27 years, this guy has posed no threat, but that changed last August.

For those of you who don’t know, Geekade held a video game marathon called the Pain-in-the-Ass-a-thong to raise money for charity and Kris challenged me to give Mega Man: The Wily Wars a try. This game includes the first 3 Mega Man games, plus a few new levels, and the idea was for me to get through as much of it as possible in my 3-hour window. Mega Man 1 took a lot out of me, but I’ve played Mega Man 2 countless times, so it shouldn’t have been much of a problem, right? Wrong.

Wood Man shoots his Leaf Shield at you quite often during the battle, but it’s not really a problem to avoid – simply jump over it. In The Wily Wars, his Shield is most definitely bigger, because try as I might, I could not get over this thing without getting hit. I had an extremely difficult time beating this guy during the second battle with him. It took quite a long time, so I had to stare at this ugly, annoying, son of a bitch as he so idiotically hopped closer to me. Those goddamned leaves, man. Those goddamned leaves.

Speaking of those goddamned leaves, I don’t know how in the hell leaves can form a protective shield, but that’s the weapon you get from him. The problem is YOU CAN’T MOVE WITH THE THING! If you so much as tap either left or right, the shield gets shot in that direction, so if you need prolonged protection, you have to stand perfectly still. The problem with that is THIS GAME IS AN ACTION-PLATFORMER! The Leaf Shield takes out Air Man quickly, so that is literally the only use this ridiculous weapon has. I’ve never liked Wood Man, but the Pain-in-the-Ass-a-thon helped solidify my hatred for him. Don’t get me wrong, I’d fight him for hours if it’s for charity, but for all of the above-mentioned reasons, Wood Man is the worst robot master in Mega Man history.

Also, why not have just called him Leaf Man?! Fuck this guy.

Kris’s #1. Aqua Man – I always thought those things were road runners and that’s an excellent point about those dogs. Honestly though, Wood Man isn’t exactly the picture of cool, but he’s never bothered me all that much. This asshole though, bothers me to the highest degree. Every. Single. Thing. About this piece of garbage. Is. AWFUL. Think about this. If you include the Game Boy games, there have been 16 main line Mega Man games. Heck, let’s throw all that weird stuff in there too, like Mega Man Soccer and that weird board game thing. That gets us to somewhere around 30 games and never once has there been a Water Man. Even if we just count the robot masters that had been released up to Mega Man 8, we’ve got Bubble Man, Dive Man, and Wave Man, and instead of calling this walking fish tank Water Man, they go with Aqua Man? Like, the already established DC superhero Aquaman? THAT’S THE BEST YOU CAN DO? And look, I like DC’s Aquaman. I think he’s great. This clown though (no offense, Clown Man) is a piece of shit. I know Jonathan already covered a lot of this asshat’s problems, but let’s run down my list of grievances anyway.

The moment you click on his icon, you get to see the entirety of what you’re up against. He’s a chubby tank of water with what appears to be a top hat. There is not one single thing about his design that is practical, threatening, or cool. Not one goddamn thing. Then he does this weird contortion thing where he lifts one of his legs like he’s a dog about to mark his territory and squeals in a squeaky voice “I’m Aqua Man.” But this is no ordinary squeaky voice. Squeaky voices I can handle. Shit, Toad has had a scratchy squeaky voice since Super Mario Advance and it doesn’t bother me at all anymore. This guy though, he sounds like a sexual deviant. The only way I can properly describe the way he says his name is like he just sexually-assaulted a puppy and he knows he should be ashamed of himself for it, but he can’t help but giggle to himself through the shame because he just enjoyed violating that small creature so damn much. So after that completely unnerving experience, we get to his stageand it’s a swimming level. In a Mega Man game. Not just a water level, but a swimming level. This is just wrong in so many ways, but it’s made even worse by the smooth jazz pumping through your speakers. Yes, the game’s composer likely watched a bunch of Frasier and thought to himself, “I like this show’s music, but I think it would be better if it was about 10,000 times worse and set to a bland Mega Man stage.”

So you finally make it through this obnoxious level with all its dumb spike traps and time bombs and you arrive at the fight against the devil himself. He erupts out of a giant spout of water, strikes a very effeminate pose, and shoots a stream of water in the air that somehow mists a rainbow with the words AQUA MAN on it. In the same deviant tone as used earlier, he proclaims “I’m Aqua Man, but you can call me handsome, guy!” Once you can stop yourself from vomiting, the fight begins, and once he starts moving, you can see how there was a sliver of a good idea here, you know, before it was ruined by all that puppy rape. A heavy water tank jumping around a room creating forceful water attacks has potential. But instead, you get this freak screeching “water balloon” at you as he tosses not water balloons, but just balls of water at you. And then he’s got this water cannon move that couldn’t possibly hurt you. I mean, that kind of goes for this whole fight. You literally swam to get here, and now he’s tossing water at you and it hurts? I could see if he was shooting waves of water at you that were so forceful that you were slammed into a wall or something, but the water cannon is just a slow-moving stream of water. Why can’t I just walk through it? Piss poor design, that’s why.

When you finally blow this wet turd to bits, he exclaims “That was luck,” which is funny because I remember the first time I beat this guy I exclaimed “What the fuck?” and that rhymes. So I guess there’s that. Fun wordplay aside, this guy is a failure in every regard. Wasted potential, squandered ideas, shit design, crappy level, annoying stage music, pathetic weapon, and oh yeah, he’s a puppy-raping sexual deviant machine, the likes of which make leaving my kids alone with Waluigi seem like a sound babysitting strategy. Say what you will about Wood Man, but I’ll take a dumb wood helmet and rotating leaves over this scum any day of the week.

This image isn't just a great picture of a bunch of robot masters, but it's from the great Mega an comic run. This image isn’t just a great picture of a bunch of robot masters, but it’s from the great Mega an comic run.

And there you have it, folks – the worst of the worst robot masters. Were either of us right? Did your least favorite make it onto the list? Was it too mean of Jonathan to point out Wood Man’s wooden man-tits? Just how disturbing was it to visualize Aqua Man committing puppy-rape? Let us know in the comments, and here’s hoping that the new Mega Man cartoon doesn’t suck as much as these robot masters do.

Jonathan Robert

Jonathan loves comic books and he loves coffee. Jonathan’s mother gave him his first taste of coffee at the tender age of 3 and it was love at first sip. He now needs to wheel around an IV drip of caffeine at all times or else he turns into a dark, monstrous creature that feeds on despair and makes babies cry. The local village-folk have kept him locked away ever since the “decaf catastrophe of ‘06.” When allowed out of his dungeon, he writes various articles for Geekade, including the monthly column, “Welcome to the D-List,” and records the "Mutant Musings" podcast with his geek-tastic girlfriend, Patti.

3 thoughts on “Geekade Top Ten: Worst Mega Man Robot Masters

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  • May 22, 2020 at 12:51 pm

    Ok. I can see why you think wood man sucks. Like come on! 2nd game and your already stumped?( i think im funny.) There are only two good things about this guy. 1. His stage music 2. Shredding his stupid face into the ground. Also: leaves! We have a dude throwing saws, a flaming lighter dude, and even a dude that shoots rocket drills, and we get leaves?! Shameful. He should go drown in bubble mans stage, because even he did better. Thank god he isn’t wily’s weakness.


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